Sunset over Lake Michigan, August 2011

I’ve decided to start making videos again!

I have been making videos inconsistently since 2010… after almost 2 years of regular posing on YouTube and about 340 videos, I just burned out and I wanted privacy and freedom from the schedule, the pressure, and all the messages. As a result, I’ve intentionally been disconnected for a long while now, but these days I’m feeling more consistently extroverted and wanting to be connected and open. I’ve decided to commit to one video a week for the whole of 2012, or 52 videos for the year. (!!!!) In addition, I am going to make time to write in this blog once a week for my own enjoyment – 52 posts in the year 2012!

I’ve been through much in the last 1.5 – 2 years, only some of which has made its way into video: meeting and falling in love with Cory; learning about veganism in detail; bouncing up and down in weight around my goal weight; traveling to Seattle, Chicago & Michigan, Austin, and Yosemite National Park twice, and of course moving to Texas; really focusing on sustainable living; changing my personal style quite a bit; and becoming in many ways a much more calm, whole, happy, and mature person. I feel like I’m a completely different person from who I was in 2010! But I am, of course, still me and just more educated, experienced, balanced and aware :P

Lake Michigan - On my 26th birthday, August 20, 2011

Meeting Cory was definitely the number one most influential change in my life, followed by moving to Texas and having all my plans crash down around me. Oh, growing pains! It’s been a crazy ride, with equal ups and downs that have made me so much stronger and wiser.

I’ve been yearning for balance for a long time now without being able to attain it. Recently, I decided to switch my mindset and just BE balanced every day. All day, every day, I pay attention to my actions and feelings and I breathe deeply and make sure to enjoy every thing that I do. Suddenly, miraculously, balance has just come to me! I think being “balanced” is all about your own perspective on yourself and your life, and mine has really become a positive one as of late. There’s a season for everything, and I feel that my season for knowing balance is here :)

And regarding falling in love, I don’t mind that prolonged imbalance… as Ketut Liyer was quoted saying in the book Eat, Pray, Love:

To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.

:D

I wasn’t sure whether you all were still interested in watching my videos, after such a long period of sporadic video-making and broken promises on my part, but I guess you do! The status I posted to facebook about my new 2012 goals is the most popular status I have ever posted. Holy moly! Thank you, all, for following along! :D I hope I can continue to inspire and educate, and to love you through my little screen on YouTube :)

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Tags: balance, birthdays, cory, deep thought, mindset, musings, photos of me, self-improvement

In general, I tend to not spend a lot of time “looking back” and reminiscing on my life, mostly because I’m so excited to be living the life I’m living now. I don’t feel it necessary to reflect much except to meditate on my past and learn from it, forgiving myself and others and finding peace within. Lately, however, I haven’t been so happy with my life, and so I find myself reflecting often — and I’ve come to find that sometimes I don’t recognize myself anymore.

Where is the girl who was so full of spark and ambition? Who was always curious and creative? I feel as if she’s gone, hibernating somewhere.

In the last few days, I’ve been doing some deep pondering about why I’m feeling so forlorn and I think today I finally figured out why. I’m out of balance. Not that I’ve ever been the queen of balance or anything (LOL!), but I used to have a lot more under control.

In the last several months I feel like I haven’t had anything in my life under control — I’ve only been able to manage one thing at a time, here and there. And I’ve been loathing myself for it. Loathing! I haven’t been eating right, I haven’t been exercising, the house is a often a mess, I’m not doing any creative projects or connecting with many friends… and I haven’t really been taking care of myself; I’ve been spending most of my time in pajamas, either working or watching movies with Cory. UGH I KNOW. Loathing.

But the loathing stops now. I have concluded that I should cut myself some slack. I realize now that I don’t give myself enough credit for what I’ve been through this year — a huge cross-country move to a land deal that didn’t pan out, resulting in a big dream crumbling in front of me.

Since arriving in Texas last July, I feel like I’ve had the hold button pushed on my life. And although I’ve sorted things out mentally and settled down here for now, it’s been really rough finding my peace and identity in this new situation, especially since I was completely unprepared for it. But after a few months of melancholy routine, I feel like it’s finally time to step up and take back my happiness.

So I now have new goals, and they are thus:

1. Love myself, no matter what.

No matter that I’ve gained some weight. No matter that I can’t be superwoman always. No matter that I haven’t sewn or coded something in who-knows-how-long… no matter what. I’ve been reading the Spread the Positivity and Operation Beautiful blogs daily as reminders :)

2. Aim for balance, not perfection.

As in: do enough work every day; do a little housework; take some time to move intentionally; take care to eat balanced, regular meals every few hours; take care of myself, spending just that little extra time to feel pampered and beautiful; and take time for creative pursuits, even if it’s just a few minutes per day.

I know I won’t get there overnight, but here’s to deciding to do my best to be myself again.

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Tags: deep thought, inspiration, mindset, musings, self-improvement

Photo by Craig Blackmoore

The last few months, I have been deep in thought about stuff — more specifically, my stuff and my consumption of stuff. We all buy and use up and throw away too much stuff. I have done my best to be less wasteful and not buy into the horrible consumption loops so many of us live in today. I live frugally.

However, when contemplating moving to the woods this spring, I started to see things from a whole new perspective. That which I used to think of as “normal consumption” I now view as, “outrageously wasteful!” I’ve had a huge change in paradigm. When you begin to honestly evaluate the situation of living on your own in the forrest, with no trash service, no guaranteed water, and no sewage system except composting, you really begin to think about how wasteful we humans are (primarily those of us in the “first world”).

That said, now I can tell you about all the changes I’ve been making!

In June, I finally gave up shaving my legs. I just see no point in buying into that vanity and doing the whole shaving routine. Consumption loops closed: Razors, shaving cream, aftershave, body lotion. Also, lots of time saved ;) No, Cory doesn’t mind. It took me a long time to get used to it, though!

In August, I gave up wearing chemical deodorant/antiperspirant. Don’t worry, I don’t stink! And antiperspirant is terrible for you. It took about a week for my lymph nodes to “detox” and they STUNK horribly. But then they cleared up and I honestly never get smelly anymore (thank you, raw-foodism!) unless I’m working really hard and sweating. I hope to buy a salt deodorant bar soon for those kinds of days (salt kills bacteria = kills smell). Consumption loop closed: deodorant/antiperspirant.

In August I also vowed to never buy perfumes again, but to use natural oils for scent instead. I still have a few perfumes running out, and some body spray, but I won’t buy any more. Expensive, unhealthy consumption loop closed. I have several natural pure essential oils that I’ve had 15+ years(!!) that are still just as beautiful-smelling and interesting and safe as they were when I got them. Sustainability is the way to go! (And also, there’s just something seductive about oil scents :P)

Most exciting, I decided to give washable feminine napkins a try. I bought one washable pad from Naturally Cozy online in September to try out in replacement of my regular choice of tampons — I will be trying it out this month.

I really love tampons, but they’re just not sustainable. The wrappers are plastic, most of the applicators are plastic, the boxes are oversized… the only biodegradable thing about tampons is the tampon itself (sometimes). So until I plan on buying land, growing cotton and picking it and using a spinning wheel to MAKE TAMPONS (omg), I need something that is not a tampon.

These pads seem very promising — I will be trying this one out for my next cycle. The instructions say that once you’ve used a pad, just put it in a bucket of cold water and cover with a lid. Then, repeat with all other washable pads while you’re on your period, and then when your cycle is complete, pour all water and pads in the washing machine (even a Wonder Wash). She claims they will last at least 20 years, so if I like them I will be buying a lot! Hopefully I’ll be closing the tampon consumption loop soon.

[EDIT: My friend tells me there's a new menstrual cup called the Mooncup that lasts a long time. I used to be interested in the Diva cup, but I heard that it doesn't last long. I haven't been able to nail down the facts on how long the Mooncup lasts, but she claims it's something like 15 years! I'll keep you posted!]

So… how much of a hippie have I become! LOL I know. Hairy legs and pits, no deodorant, no chemicals… feels good. The best part is that none of the stereotypes I expected are playing out; I don’t look uglier, I’m not less sexy, I’m not smelly, I’m not dirty, no one looks at me sideways for my choices — it’s totally new for me…and totally natural! :P

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Tags: consumption loops, homesteading, mindset, musings, sustainability, tidbits

Cory and me at Robert's 40's-themed party :D

Cory and I have gone out most nights in the last week — so much, in fact, that I’m surprised I’m not screaming for alone time. Thursday was dinner with Jason and Robert, Friday was hanging out at Cory’s friends’ house, Sunday was a murder-mystery party hosted by Robert with a heap of friends, and then finally yesterday we met Amber and Nicole for a bit in the afternoon and then had dinner and a movie at Denisse and Todd’s place. Whew!

Normally at this point, I’m ready to crawl into a cave with my computer and dissolve into projects (forgetting baby steps). However, I feel like I’m finally finding that balance between being super productive and being a social butterfly. I really can’t be either to the extreme for too long — and I’m starting to actually honor this fact. It’s been so lovely!

Between the days where I’m busy-busy-go-go out with Cory, we’ve also taken time to just have lazy together-seperate days, or what I like to call “bubble time.” Bubble time is when we’re both home and I have time to simply be in my little bubble of Cory and Maddie and my plants and projects… time to create, time to ponder, and time to plan. It’s also the time Cory and I do the most laughing :P

All this social-ness means I get a lot more time to interact and adventure with Cory. It’s such an incredible delight to explore the world and experiences together! — no matter how big or small. And all this bubble-time-ness (?!) means I get to keep progressing toward my goals, while still being in a relationship and being in love.

I’ve never before been able to have the both so steadily. I hope we can keep it up :”>

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Tags: cory, mindset, musings, photos of me, tidbits

Today is my “Sunday” – Cory and I start the workweek on Tuesday. So this Monday morning (afternoon) we slept in as usual, lazied about, laughed. Maddie was adorable.

Sitting on the couch now, Cory is munching toast. Crunch. Crunch. We haven’t opened the blinds yet today, and the bright sun is fighting to get inside the room. The apartment is cool, the air conditioning is quiet and the ceiling fan is on low. The leaves of the potted plants are dancing in the fan-wind and the long blinds of the tall windows are gently going patter-tap against one another.

I’m watching the light filter into the room through the opening and closing blinds – a tiny march of narrow sunbeams along the worn, red throw-rug below.

Cory is on his laptop (keys pitter-pattering) and I’m sipping coffee. The many computers in the room hum and the refrigerator grumbles in the background…

And I realize, suddenly but with a sense of knowing as if I’ve known it all along and just finally remembered it – this is calm.

This is calm.

*

Where has this been all my adult life? How did I ever function without it? The deep calm of my early childhood sits with me now, like a cocoon, and everything is easy, and new and interesting and fun. It’s not always impenetrable, but it’s there, and it makes me feel so whole.

How ironic is it that my name, Shanti, means “peace.”

My 25th birthday is approaching and I’m beginning to think I’ve spent this entire quarter century simply searching for calm – for peace: peace from my constant ideas and detailed thoughts, peace with my family, peace instead of the hundreds of obligations I somehow get myself into by wanting to do too much. I’ve been searching for calm.

Now, meditating serenely on my thoughts, two states away from my (loving, amazing) crazy family, with few obligations except those I mean to have… I find myself, sitting here, dazzled by the little sunbeams filtering into the living room and by this incredible sense of peace sitting in my stomach and in my heart.

This calm is new and exciting. It is refreshing and relaxing, and incredibly empowering. It feels like I’m knowing myself for the very first time.

In order to teach peace, you have to know peace.

It’s from this calm center that anything is possible.

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Tags: cory, deep thought, mindset, musings, self-improvement, universal concepts

Cory and I just finished eating the most amazing mango! And of course, my first thought is that I have to blog about it.

The story of this mango has all to do with timing. About a week ago we were at the grocery store picking up a few things, and Cory and I both happened to spot the mangos at the same time – they were on sale for only $2! What? So we had to buy one. Cory suggested we buy a mango that wasn’t ripe so we didn’t have to eat it right away. I agreed – even though I hate ripening fruit myself because I always forget about it until it has gone rotten – and over the last week we’ve ripened it on our counter. Finally today, Cory asked if we should eat the mango. True to form, I had forgotten about it and had no idea when it might or might not be ripe, but I said yes because I trust his timing. Cory put the mango in the refrigerator, and I thought to myself that it seemed a bit soon; it would be much too cold when we ate it hours later! But, again I trusted Cory’s choice.

Cory’s skill with timing is a long-standing joke of ours because he has an uncanny ability for accuracy when calculating numbers and statistics in his head. No, really – its eerie. Cory’s timing is perfect, not only on his delivery of a hilarious comeback and in the way he plans his day, but in every respect of his life – in work, courtship, conversation – Cory just knows intuitively what’s to come next and when each step should happen. He also has a knack for complicated on-the-spot mathematical analysis, so that he can guess just about everything, from exactly how many more miles we can travel with the remaining gas in the tank to how likely it is that we’ll still have enough milk on Wednesday morning. At this point I just trust all timing decisions to Cory.

So it was with no surprise that, as I carefully cut apart the soft fruit just a bit ago, I was giggling silently to myself because – despite whatever doubts I had – the mango was perfect. It was absolutely the most divine mango I’ve ever had, save for one incredible mango that my dad picked for me (fresh from his backyard in Hawaii) circa 1994. What a delicious treat :)

(Thank you, Cory.)

I suggest you all go out and get one for yourself!

P.S. The mango totally wins the delicious contest over the ice cream I had earlier. Something to remember next time I’m reaching for sweets…

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Tags: cory, fruit, healthy baby steps & tips, love, musings