Sunset over Lake Michigan, August 2011

I’ve decided to start making videos again!

I have been making videos inconsistently since 2010… after almost 2 years of regular posing on YouTube and about 340 videos, I just burned out and I wanted privacy and freedom from the schedule, the pressure, and all the messages. As a result, I’ve intentionally been disconnected for a long while now, but these days I’m feeling more consistently extroverted and wanting to be connected and open. I’ve decided to commit to one video a week for the whole of 2012, or 52 videos for the year. (!!!!) In addition, I am going to make time to write in this blog once a week for my own enjoyment – 52 posts in the year 2012!

I’ve been through much in the last 1.5 – 2 years, only some of which has made its way into video: meeting and falling in love with Cory; learning about veganism in detail; bouncing up and down in weight around my goal weight; traveling to Seattle, Chicago & Michigan, Austin, and Yosemite National Park twice, and of course moving to Texas; really focusing on sustainable living; changing my personal style quite a bit; and becoming in many ways a much more calm, whole, happy, and mature person. I feel like I’m a completely different person from who I was in 2010! But I am, of course, still me and just more educated, experienced, balanced and aware :P

Lake Michigan - On my 26th birthday, August 20, 2011

Meeting Cory was definitely the number one most influential change in my life, followed by moving to Texas and having all my plans crash down around me. Oh, growing pains! It’s been a crazy ride, with equal ups and downs that have made me so much stronger and wiser.

I’ve been yearning for balance for a long time now without being able to attain it. Recently, I decided to switch my mindset and just BE balanced every day. All day, every day, I pay attention to my actions and feelings and I breathe deeply and make sure to enjoy every thing that I do. Suddenly, miraculously, balance has just come to me! I think being “balanced” is all about your own perspective on yourself and your life, and mine has really become a positive one as of late. There’s a season for everything, and I feel that my season for knowing balance is here :)

And regarding falling in love, I don’t mind that prolonged imbalance… as Ketut Liyer was quoted saying in the book Eat, Pray, Love:

To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.

:D

I wasn’t sure whether you all were still interested in watching my videos, after such a long period of sporadic video-making and broken promises on my part, but I guess you do! The status I posted to facebook about my new 2012 goals is the most popular status I have ever posted. Holy moly! Thank you, all, for following along! :D I hope I can continue to inspire and educate, and to love you through my little screen on YouTube :)

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Tags: balance, birthdays, cory, deep thought, mindset, musings, photos of me, self-improvement

In general, I tend to not spend a lot of time “looking back” and reminiscing on my life, mostly because I’m so excited to be living the life I’m living now. I don’t feel it necessary to reflect much except to meditate on my past and learn from it, forgiving myself and others and finding peace within. Lately, however, I haven’t been so happy with my life, and so I find myself reflecting often — and I’ve come to find that sometimes I don’t recognize myself anymore.

Where is the girl who was so full of spark and ambition? Who was always curious and creative? I feel as if she’s gone, hibernating somewhere.

In the last few days, I’ve been doing some deep pondering about why I’m feeling so forlorn and I think today I finally figured out why. I’m out of balance. Not that I’ve ever been the queen of balance or anything (LOL!), but I used to have a lot more under control.

In the last several months I feel like I haven’t had anything in my life under control — I’ve only been able to manage one thing at a time, here and there. And I’ve been loathing myself for it. Loathing! I haven’t been eating right, I haven’t been exercising, the house is a often a mess, I’m not doing any creative projects or connecting with many friends… and I haven’t really been taking care of myself; I’ve been spending most of my time in pajamas, either working or watching movies with Cory. UGH I KNOW. Loathing.

But the loathing stops now. I have concluded that I should cut myself some slack. I realize now that I don’t give myself enough credit for what I’ve been through this year — a huge cross-country move to a land deal that didn’t pan out, resulting in a big dream crumbling in front of me.

Since arriving in Texas last July, I feel like I’ve had the hold button pushed on my life. And although I’ve sorted things out mentally and settled down here for now, it’s been really rough finding my peace and identity in this new situation, especially since I was completely unprepared for it. But after a few months of melancholy routine, I feel like it’s finally time to step up and take back my happiness.

So I now have new goals, and they are thus:

1. Love myself, no matter what.

No matter that I’ve gained some weight. No matter that I can’t be superwoman always. No matter that I haven’t sewn or coded something in who-knows-how-long… no matter what. I’ve been reading the Spread the Positivity and Operation Beautiful blogs daily as reminders :)

2. Aim for balance, not perfection.

As in: do enough work every day; do a little housework; take some time to move intentionally; take care to eat balanced, regular meals every few hours; take care of myself, spending just that little extra time to feel pampered and beautiful; and take time for creative pursuits, even if it’s just a few minutes per day.

I know I won’t get there overnight, but here’s to deciding to do my best to be myself again.

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Tags: deep thought, inspiration, mindset, musings, self-improvement

Every year or so, I go through one of these periods where my brain jumps into overdrive and hundreds of ideas come to me out of nowhere. I have an outpouring of creativity across the board – web design, book design, language, filming, photography, music, clothing design, off-gridding my life… my brain feels like it weighs 20 pounds right now. This is where I get all my plans for my future, and decide who I want to be and what I want to do in my life, and it’s when I get the majority of my ideas that I later turn into projects for the next year or two (or ten) of my life.

Although it’s an overwhelmingly exciting time, whenever I go through a round of this I tend to become very introverted. I get lost in my thoughts frequently. I find it difficult to speak in full sentences for too long a time because my brain is constantly bubbling over, waiting for me to sit down alone and think about all these other ideas it’s just come up with. It’s maddening and thrilling all at once :P

Like I said, I become introverted and really just want to be left alone to my thoughts. I also feel a heavy sense of overwhelm — like I’m never going to be able to realize half of these dreams and ambitions. My poor closest friends and Cory… it’s not like I’m in a cave hiding away from people, I’m just generally less cheery and disinclined to engage in small talk, period. I just want to be in quiet so I can think…

The huge upside is that because I go through these unintentional waves of high brain activity (what else does one call it?), I can live the life of an artist and spend my time creating these ideas I have. The huge downside is that I have a lot of trouble sleeping while it’s going on.

The last time this happened to me it was fall, 2008, and I had a million ideas about weight loss and self-love and I really started to pour my heart into teaching on YouTube (as opposed to solely vlogging with me-updates) — but I also didn’t sleep for almost a month. I mean, I slept, but not much and sporadically. Usually I can sleep 9-10 hours per night without a problem, but during these times I sleep 3-6 hours a night and I’m usually up once during the night at least :/

I’m so excited about all the ideas I’m having for my life, and for you all, and for Cory and me!… but I’m also exhausted with it. I hope I sleep deep tonight x__x

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Tags: creativity, deep thought, inspiration, mindset, self-improvement

Today is my “Sunday” – Cory and I start the workweek on Tuesday. So this Monday morning (afternoon) we slept in as usual, lazied about, laughed. Maddie was adorable.

Sitting on the couch now, Cory is munching toast. Crunch. Crunch. We haven’t opened the blinds yet today, and the bright sun is fighting to get inside the room. The apartment is cool, the air conditioning is quiet and the ceiling fan is on low. The leaves of the potted plants are dancing in the fan-wind and the long blinds of the tall windows are gently going patter-tap against one another.

I’m watching the light filter into the room through the opening and closing blinds – a tiny march of narrow sunbeams along the worn, red throw-rug below.

Cory is on his laptop (keys pitter-pattering) and I’m sipping coffee. The many computers in the room hum and the refrigerator grumbles in the background…

And I realize, suddenly but with a sense of knowing as if I’ve known it all along and just finally remembered it – this is calm.

This is calm.

*

Where has this been all my adult life? How did I ever function without it? The deep calm of my early childhood sits with me now, like a cocoon, and everything is easy, and new and interesting and fun. It’s not always impenetrable, but it’s there, and it makes me feel so whole.

How ironic is it that my name, Shanti, means “peace.”

My 25th birthday is approaching and I’m beginning to think I’ve spent this entire quarter century simply searching for calm – for peace: peace from my constant ideas and detailed thoughts, peace with my family, peace instead of the hundreds of obligations I somehow get myself into by wanting to do too much. I’ve been searching for calm.

Now, meditating serenely on my thoughts, two states away from my (loving, amazing) crazy family, with few obligations except those I mean to have… I find myself, sitting here, dazzled by the little sunbeams filtering into the living room and by this incredible sense of peace sitting in my stomach and in my heart.

This calm is new and exciting. It is refreshing and relaxing, and incredibly empowering. It feels like I’m knowing myself for the very first time.

In order to teach peace, you have to know peace.

It’s from this calm center that anything is possible.

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Tags: cory, deep thought, mindset, musings, self-improvement, universal concepts